Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
