Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
