hotel room ftw
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
