i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
