I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
