while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
