peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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