Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
