if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
