I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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