just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
