Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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