You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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