I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
