Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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