no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
