maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
