Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
