Umm I'm too high to move.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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