the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
