life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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