I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize