her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
