i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
