it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
not ubering you a puppy
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
