Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think I sprained my soul last night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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