you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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