i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
