I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
