she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
