I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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