dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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