Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
