Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
