Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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