A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
it's like iHOP with fire
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Randomize
