Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
