Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
