I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
