i already hear my dad disowning me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
