M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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