Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
