Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
