I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
