my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
