he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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