in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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