just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
