Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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