there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
