Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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