fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
