You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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