Cold hands, warm shart.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
bring money and cleavage
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize