Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
