i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
