I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
