So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
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