I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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