so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
